Confidence

what do people mean when they say they like confident people, or they admire confidence as a trait? here are some guesses:

people who make trivial decisions quickly and often.

the best example i have of this is, instead of asking someone if they want to hang out, ask them “do you want to go to this new indian restaurant at 7pm tonight?” or “do you want to hang out and play video games together?” or “do you wanna go walk around the park near my apt?” what are the benefits here? the other person knows that there’s a high chance the thing will actually happen. they don’t have to figure out what they’re doing with their evening. they feel like you put effort into picking an idea you’d both like. they feel like you are not compromising on your own enjoyment to make them happy. people also want to be able to enjoy an experience without having to devote most of their brain to navigating it. this is one of the reason movies are so enjoyable, or lets plays of video games. you get to sit back and experience, without being somehow rated or graded.

• you being confident gives them permission to be more confident too. it’s easier to enjoy something when someone else seems like they’re enjoying it. being at ease puts the other person at ease. mirror neurons or whatever. coregulating against a confident person feels safe and easy. they feel grounding.

being grounding doesn’t mean being unyielding. it often means moving and talking more slowly and intentionally. it means trying to match amount of labor (esp in decision-making) to the size of the counterfactual payout. it means knowing what the next step is at any given time, and noticing when you don’t know what that next step is so you can slow down and figure it out.

it means learning to interpret your values in such a way that you can act on them in your everyday life. it means showing up both in your body and to your commitments, social and otherwise. it means making commitments carefully and keeping them fully. it means admitting when you failed.

this one got away from me a bit and that’s fine. will clean it up later